Transaction v. Transformation

"Rather than trauma being something that has happened to the child, it mistakenly becomes embedded in the child's identity. The child is then seen as a set of symptoms and behaviors that need to be controlled and managed rather than a person who is an asset to be loved, cherished, and nurtured."

A person is not their diagnosis.

In class this week we discussed the ideas of transactional living and transformational living. This built upon a previous lesson idea that compared the paradigms of love and fear: living from the lens of love considers what is possible; living from the lens of fear considers what isn't possible. These same ideas could be considered as educational paradigms: Transactional education v. Transformational education.

A simplistic comparison - 

Transaction (give and take):A person holds the door open for you and instinctively we say: 'thank you.'

Transformation (a space deeper than the exchange):
You leave the coffee shop and it's cold outside. You realize you don't have your car keys. A person walks out behind you and exclaims: Excuse me! Did you leave your keys? (as they are holding the keys out toward you). And you say: 'Thank you!'

In the transaction we respond in a mechanistic sort of way. In the transformation there is a deeper, more organic recognition; an integrated feeling of gratitude.

Recognizing this difference can open us up to an awareness of reacting to life (cause and effect) and reflecting to life (noticing the pause between cause and effect). Is there a difference between strategic living and living from or as a state of being? Does fear based living lend itself to strategic living? As opposed to love based living which vibrates from a deeper state of being. Jeddah Mali describes this feeling of love as the essence of expansion, light, and harmony.

Working memory is a term used to describe one of many learning attributes. One definition for working memory: the mental scratchpad our brain uses to keep information for several seconds so it can be accessed and manipulated to solve problems, make decisions, and send to long term storage. A poor working memory leads to increased reactivity. Stress affects working memory. ADHD and PTSD affect working memory.

Perhaps using the term 'working memory' is a fancy way of describing or defining this space between cause and effect. When we allow time for stillness and align with mind, body, and spirit we open ourselves up to this feeling of expansiveness that lets us function in the ebb and flow of life. The noticing of this space and this feeling of expansiveness could be considered awareness of 'attention'. So maybe a deficit of attention is contributed to a lack of awareness of this space.

If attention and working memory are the cornerstones to learning, is it wise to practice stillness in schools to open our students up to align with this space? When we approach education from the lens of love we open ourselves up to a deeper trust in the capacity of a human being. As parents and educators, the more we practice 'Self' care (by taking the time for stillness in our own lives) the more we align with our own space; and love becomes a state of being, and exchanges become transforming.

"Forgetting your Self is the greatest injury; all the calamities flow from it. Take care of the most important, the lesser will take care of itself. You do not tidy up a dark room. You open the windows first. Letting in the light makes everything easy. So, let us wait with improving others until we see ourselves as we are and have changed. There is no need to turn round and round in endless questioning; find yourself and everything will fall into its proper place."
-Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Check out this short clip on Purpose with words by Jim Carrey that my brother Dan sent me:

Releasing the Knots

Imagine a long rope that represents the emotional life inside of you. Let’s suggest that ‘emotion’ includes feelings, impulses, thoughts, and sensations (FITS). Let’s also suggest that emotion is ‘energy in motion’; therefore, based on this definition, our FITS are able to move through us as opposed to being a fixed part of our identity. Imagine that this rope is full of knots. The knots all represent faulty beliefs that contribute to our ‘living small’ or being stuck in reactive patterns (or habit loops) that limit us in some way. When we intentionally practice ‘slowing down on the inside’ we begin to notice these patterns and begin to create some space between cause and effect that will continue to grow the more we practice this ‘noticing’, or self awareness. It is in this space between cause and effect where find our personal power. Access to this space is where the teacher of this ‘space’ is no longer needed, and your own journey begins.

The rope and the knots live in a dance of control and resistance. The two are interchangeable. As we react to the FITS with fear (activating the stress response - fight, flight, freeze, faint) we have done nothing to release the knot, and most likely our big reactions have tightened the knot or made a new knot. If neural circuitry makes sense to you, imagine these knots as neural connections. We continue to deepen and reinforce the pathways in our brain that are contributing to that which limits us. It seems that we often hear ‘fight or flight’ and we intellectualize the concept of reactive stress patterns, yet we are not connecting this idea into how our life is actually playing out (varying degrees of anxiety, depression, thoughts of harm toward our self or another, illness, relationship struggles, self hate, hatred toward others, etc.). 

As I have gotten older, I noticed shame about the reactive patterns being added to the rope of knots. I saw the patterns, yet didn’t see my own response-ability to undo the knots. When the same reactive patterns continued to hit I was angry at myself for not ‘growing up’ or staying stuck: “How stupid can I be doing the same thing for twenty years!” What I have learned is that it is just a reactive loop. When that pattern comes back (my big realization came when the words ‘I hate you’ came into my mind - the first reaction was feeling childish and shamed that I was stuck in such a silly way of dealing with life) it is a clue to tap into your personal power. I suddenly realized that the 'I hate you' statement was my cue to undo the knot! 

If the FITS are energy in motion (e-motion) then the ‘emotion’ really just wants to make its way through us (like weather patterns) - to be allowed to flow. We keep the energy stuck (holding onto the knot) by trying to control it or resist it - reacting to it in some way. Sadly, we take on various ‘strategies’ to do this and we are convinced the ‘strategy’ is healthy and honorable - the ‘right thing to do’. The disconnect is that what lies at the core of our well-being is a healthy ‘state of being’ as opposed to finding the right strategy. The paradigm shift goes from outer to inner when we recognize 

that the key to our awakening lies in the I Am space - our inner connection to the infinite flow of inspiration, creativity, and possibility that is unique to all of us. The I Am space is just something I call it...this is a place that we all have access to. It’s the place that we came from and where we will return to. The reason I call it ‘I Am’ is because when we choose to live from this space, existing is enough. There is no need to fill in the space after I Am and live from an identity we assume for our self. I Am. (enough)

As we practice slowing down, we begin to notice the space between cause and effect. It’s in this space where we can be intentional about ‘releasing’ or letting go of the rope. Imagine control and resistance in a tug-of-war each time we get stuck in reactive loops. When we ‘release’ either control or resistance, that end of the rope drops and the knot is loosened and able to come undone. Consider the space where release can take place as a reflective state. We can all relate to what it feels like when the rope has dropped and the knots are loosened. What I think happens to most of us it that we settle for the loose feeling and we crave whatever it is that brings us into this state. What we don’t realize is that when we are in this state, we have the power to undo the knot forever by intentionally letting go of the ‘story’ and allowing and letting go of the energy by letting it flow instead of keeping it stuck by trying to control or resist it. The ‘story’ has been created in our mind. The mind has a box around it. When we live from the mind space we limit ourself because the mind is limited to only what we know. When we intentionally choose to live from our heart space or the deeper I Am space, we have opened our self up to the unlimited or abundant flow of inspiration, possibility, and creativity. We can choose to live in a reflective space as a 'state of being' as opposed to relying on an external strategy that lends itself to the reflective space only on a temporary basis.

Have patience with all things, but first with yourself. Never confuse your mistakes with your value as a human being. You’re a perfectly valuable, creative, worthwhile person simply because you exist. And no amount of triumphs and tribulations can ever change that. Unconditional self-acceptance is the core of a peaceful mind.

~ St. Francis de Sales

Teen. Beautiful Teen.

I have had the opportunity this summer to clear out a lot of 'stuff' that has been stored away - both literally and figuratively. I refer to it as 'taking inventory'. I just came across something written most likely within the last three years. I read once that when a person is motivated to 'write' and express their feelings and or experience in words, it is because at least one other person would enjoy reading it (or something like that).  So with that in mind (and because in my adult life, 'caring about teenagers' seems to have remained a constant) I want to share what was written - in the way it was written at the time:

Hey Teen. I like you and I find you compelling. Sometimes I just want to sit with you, hold you, and wish away a cruel world with you. That feeling doesn't last. I begin to recognize your strength...the resiliency that is inside of you. I gain confidence as I remember the strength of a human being. I get excited as I dream of ways to pull it out of you. Sometimes you're so down, so defeated, so stuck in darkness - you repel the healing energy that's available. I know you'll find a way. Sometimes you are so stuck in the external that it's difficult to reach you. I know you're there. Sometimes you have come to depend on external things that are more than just thoughts and ideas...and you get involved with things that mess with your natural chemistry. I sit with you and I look for you - no one is home. I sense you coming home eventually. Other times as I sit with you I recognize a face that wants me to know the answers...that wants me to make sense of what you cannot.

Let's feel life together. When we feel life instead of think life something happens. I love you. I notice you. I am you. And you are me. In unity we find charity.


"Nature never forces anything to grow...but is silently and visibly present."

"An infinite supply of all you will ever need is available to you...require less and welcome all that shows up."

"When the blinds are shut, sunlight cannot come in."

"Create an environment that allows persons to connect with their nature...their true essence...then comes laughter, creative thinking, encouragement, and support."

Stars in Sticks

Ken Robinson speaks and writes on Education.  In his 2013 Ted Talk he spoke of Alternative Education.  He commented that Alternative Education programs are specifically designed to get students back into education.  He mentions five commonalities typically found within Alternative Education programs:

1. Alternative Education programs are highly personalized.
2. Alternative Education programs have close links with the community.
3. Alternative Education programs include strong support for the teachers.
4. Alternative Education programs offer a broad and diverse curriculum.
5. Alternative Education programs involve the students outside of the school as well as inside the school.

He then said:  "If we all did that there would be no need for the alternative."

I have had the opportunity to work part time in an Alternative Education environment for the last three years.  I can vouch for the success of the first commonality:  highly personalized.  One might assume that 'highly personalized' suggests that the curriculums are personalized to fit the individual student's needs, strengths, and interests.  I am suggesting that 'highly personalized' means that the 'person' comes first - "Person-first education".  The principal who hired me shared the motto:  'Accept and then Expect.'

I want to share a beautiful poem that learning specialist, Rebecca Manzanares, shared with the students at their June 2014 graduation.  The following words are Becca's closing comments to the class of 2014.

We recently lost an American icon, former Poet Laureate Maya Angelou.  For my congratulations speech, I thought about borrowing one of her pieces; however, I decided it would be more of a tribute to her for me to write my own poem about the class of 2014.

Before I share it with you, I have to preface it with an explanation of the title.  I was in our backyard last week, talking with our neighbor's five-year-old daughter, when she asked me if a branch on the ground was a star stick.  After fumbling around for words, I had to admit that I didn't have any idea what a star stick was.  She immediately grabbed a couple of branches and began breaking them apart.  Then she handed me stick after stick, telling me to look at the site of the break.  To my surprise, each one had a perfectly formed star inside its core, I couldn't help but smile at the surprise image.  Right away, I thought of y'all; I thought of the hidden talents and beauty in each of you.  I thought of the strengths that people may not realize you have, and I thought of the smiles you have brought to our faces, often in unexpected moments.  I decided to entitle my poem, Stars in Sticks. If you look under your chairs, you'll find your very own star stick to remember us by. I hope you like my tribute to y'all and everything you are.

Stars in Sticks - The Class of 2014

You are the brave

Not fearless but facing fear

Head on, walking into the storm

Knowing full well the challenges

It entails.

You are the strong

Not without weakness

But understanding

That strength grows with every

new step forward.

You are the tough

Not making lemonade

With the lemons life has handed you

But throwing them back

And demanding the better you deserve.

You are the determined

Not the smooth, easy-goers slipping and sliding through

But those facing unseen obstacles

With tears and grace and power

And pride.

You are the fun

Not the mindless giggles of the carefree

But the hearty laughter of the survivor

Who alone can appreciate

The true value of joy.

You are the beautiful

Not the shiny, glittery shallow exteriors

But the deep down worn warmth

Of soul and spirit

Crafted by fire and time.

You are the accepting

Not the "we will tolerate differences"

But the "we will stand up and embrace and fight for"

Everyone and anyone on this crazy Ferris wheel

Of humanity.

You are the stars

Not the brazen and blazing night sky, obvious to everyone

But the hidden amazement, the unexpected brilliance, the true wonder of this world

Requiring effort and intent to recognize and view

Like stars in sticks.

On behalf of the staff, it is our wish that you continue to shine in your very own way.  Congratulations, Class of 2014!

Spacial Awareness...Eckhart Tolle

Eckhart Tolle spoke Saturday at a conference in San Francisco called Wisdom 2.0.  I was able to watch it through livestreaming- another paradox of technology and self awareness.  I recall buying Eckhart's book, A New Earth, four or five years ago and wanting so badly to grasp the knowledge that I knew was contained in the pages. At that time I was unable to finish the book, but I recall learning to pay more attention to sound in nature when I walked my dog and (silly as it sounds) stopped listening to my ipod when I ran.  Within the last few years I devoured A New Earth, but not before Eckhart's book, The Power of Now, had a considerable impact on my worldview.

I wanted to share a really cool analogy that Eckhart spoke of Saturday at the conference.  Here's a summary:

Imagine that you are this room and you want to know yourself.  Your physical body represents the floor, walls, and ceiling.  The contents of your mind represents the contents of the room.  Is there more to you than the 'stuff' in the room?  The essence (space) of the room is what enables the 'stuff' to be in it.  Awakening is recognizing the essence (space) of the room is what allows for all else.  

Eckhart quoted Jesus saying 'the kingdom of heaven does not come with signs to be perceived.'  Eckhart also mentioned that he does not talk of this spacial awareness as God.  He maintains that we all have a concept that our mind grasps on to when we use the word 'God' and that concept tends to separate us rather than connect us.

When we see ourselves as part of this energy or awareness as opposed to God as an object and ourself as a subject, does it change the way we see our own role on the planet?  As a mental health provider in schools, suicide completion and suicidal ideation is overwhelming.  It's exposure to this particular dread that expands my own desire to teach skills that help young people return to a place of stillness and tap into a deeper connection to 'something more.'  Teaching the skill of self awareness or mindfulness seems to help all person's realign with their own nature.  As I teach the skill of self awareness, I do so with a belief that once a person returns to their nature, what happens next becomes their own journey.

'The space within is where the stuff of your mind is transcended.'

Mindful Consumption...Thich Nhat Hanh

My favorite book is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  When I read it for the first time it was as if she had been the editor of my inner life - a life that hadn't been articulated that well.  In the first part of the book she wrote something so simple...it went something like this: 'If the world religions would all come together and combine (she might have used a different word) their beliefs, wouldn't that bring us closer to what we're all looking for?'  That's grossly summarized...but it really made sense to me.  If we had an inclusive approach to our collective ideas about 'wondering' (as opposed to absolute knowing) perhaps things might be a bit more peaceful.

This summer I attended a retreat called 'Mindfulness in Education.'  After I signed up for the retreat I found out that Thich Nhat Hanh was going to be the person leading the retreat.  If you begin practicing mindfulness it doesn't take long before a google search leads you to a book by Thich Nhat Hanh or Jon Kabat Zinn.  What I didn't know was that Thich Nhat Hanh was a Zen master and that Zen Buddhism was a lifestyle encapsulated at these retreats.  I'm certain that is somewhat misstated, but it was a cultural immersion for certain.

Anyhow, I am going to attempt to summarize a lesson I was taught at the retreat.  I am going to do this 'free-style' from my own assumed interpretation of what I learned. I do not practice any form of Buddhism (in fairness, 'mindfulness' comes from a principle within the Buddhist philosophy) and my first true experience with the philosophy/religion was this past August at the retreat.  I have no intentions of claiming the religion.  I have no desire to claim any religion at this time in my life.  I claim peace within my being...compassion in my heart.  TNH is really just a global peace activist cleverly disguised as a buddhist monk (wink).

TNH taught about ill being (suffering) and well being, and a path that leads either way.  He talked about the power of meditation, or 'looking deeper.'  He said that when you look deep into your suffering or ill being you will find well being...one cannot be without the other.  When the source of nutriment is cut off from ill being, well being will present itself. He said 'nothing can survive without food.' He shared four different ways we feed our 'being':

1. Edible food.  He mentioned the amount of grain used to feed animals and to make alcohol that could feed our entire nation.  I eat meat and drink alc...well, wait...he didn't say anything about grapes.  Anyway, it makes you think.  Are our food choices feeding the path toward well being or ill being? 'Eat in such a way that grows compassion in our hearts not pain.'

2.  Sensory Impressions.  This is everything we take in through our senses.  All forms of media and technology would obviously be included.  Are we intoxicating ourselves by our consumption...by what we choose to ingest through our eyes and ears?  He tells a story of a cow with skin disease that has lost its defense against harmful toxins from the outside.  He says that when we practice mindfulness and look deeper it acts as our skin and protects us from things that cause harm.

3.  Volition.  He defined volition as our deepest desire.  What do you want to do with your life? He drew a continuum with one side being violence, anger, and despair (money, sex, power) and the other side compassion and understanding (protecting children and nurturing the earth).  What are we feeding when we dig into the deeper parts of our hidden desires?  Or are we neutral?  What part do we play in contributing to the collective energy on our planet?  'The mind of enlightenment is to protect and help humanity and other living beings.'

4.  Consciousness.  I interpreted this as self awareness...'living deeply in the present moment.'  He talked about individual, mental, and stored consciousness.  Stored consciousness being in the past...that we have a habit of going into the past and suffering all over again and again: 'the past becomes a prison...films of past suffering being shown over and over in the dark corner of consciousness.' He speaks of the danger of a society that inhabits the collective energy of fear, anger, and despair.  Practice breathing and calming to find nourishment in the present moment.  (It's a great idea to seek mental health support as you explore the 'dark corner' and allow yourself some time to work through what the body may have internalized as 'trauma').

TNH says that mindful consumption through 'right view' is the way out.  He speaks of an eight fold path that begins with mindfulness that nourishes concentration and insight to lead to a right view.  Right view then allows for right action, right thought, and right speech which all contribute to our livelihood and what we choose to do with our life and 'selective watering' - the seeds we choose to water (feed).

Understanding and compassion can heal the world.
Look deep within.
Nourish the self.

Life. Be in it.

Dear adults that include this writer...

Suicide.
What an ugly word.
Child Suicide.
We have a problem.
We can choose to be vulnerable and express how powerless it makes us feel.
We can be courageous and choose to look for solutions.

Why is our defense to blame?
We blame ourselves, we blame others, we blame a system.
Blame is so reliable.

This may sound extreme but nationally claiming that young people who do mean things are causing other kids to kill themselves is not an answer.

According to Dorothy Espelage, a researcher out of the University of Illinois who studies bullying, if I heard her correctly she stated that no bully prevention program (or any prevention program for that matter) is effective without a strong foundation of social and emotional skills.

So with that information it seems that a logical solution is to teach or embed social and emotional skills like self and social awareness, self management, relationship skills, and decision-making in schools.  The people in the schools that have the best understanding of social and emotional learning or SEL (mental health providers including counselors, psychologists, and social workers) are not trained to teach nor were they hired for that purpose, and the teachers are overwhelmed with a job that is already unrealistic and to suggest that they teach SEL only seems to add to the problem of feeling underappreciated and overwhelmed.

Do you recall a bumper sticker that read 'Focus on your own damn family?'  Well how about if we start a solution beginning with:  Focus on your own damn self.

Self care.
We cannot give someone something that we don't have ourselves.

Let's collectively get out of the trance that we all contribute to where it's as if we are speaking and living a life that is scripted by a society that we help to create by not allowing ourself or choosing not to be present in our experience.  When we are present we search inside ourself for solutions...we stop blaming.  Brene Brown has almost two million hits on her TED talk on shame.  She says that courage is the antidote for shame...and that vulnerability is courage.

Can we choose to be vulnerable with one another and work toward solutions as a community of caring people that teach children to choose life?  Let's sell life by creating one that is our own...one that triumphs in courage and in truth.  A life that allows for stillness and seeks peace in a deeper space of knowing...a deeper space that may always remain a mystery for the living - yet continues to be a source of inspiration when we choose to dwell in it.  I used to wear a t-shirt when I was a kid that I got from the local community center - it said 'Life. Be in it.'  I didn't understand what it meant at the time.  Now I do.